One step at a time...

• I can't remember when was the last time I posted a blog here
• so many things happened... drama, fun, issues, goodbyes... so much learning...
• I am over with those stuff right now... I got tired
• I am not perfectly happy right now but at least I am ok... ok to the point that nothing makes me worry anymore
• thank you to my friends... i missed some but I'm glad I am starting to catch up again
• I am now positive on everything around me
• study mode for me... good job
• healthy lifestyle... i need to lose weight and aiming for 95lb
• no more depress mode
• i said goodbye to things and people who made my life uneasy and uncomfortable
  
• i am pampering myself now
• my wish is happening... thank you.. finally
  
• birthday in 2 months *excited*
• it's good to feel that you are loved... AND I AM LOVED *happy*
• I'm out for now... til next blog
  
• I'm taking one step at a time and thank god i'm doing a great job
  

My relationships vs my wallets

Wallets are a lot like a someone special in your life, "You have to take care of it really well or else something bad might happen." I lost my wallet, and I lose someone. You know, it's the exact same thing. One day, you just realize it's gone. You try to look for it everywhere, even going back to the places where you could have lost it. You think, and you think hard, only to come upon a grim realization: it's really gone. Of course, you can hold on to some hope. After all, there have been some very, very lucky (blessed?) people who get it back. Perhaps you could become one of those people. You sit home and you hope that someone would call, and that you would get it back. But then, some time passes, and you realize that it's still gone, and you realize that it's time to let go. The first few days, you turn to your friends for support. Some tell you you'll be ok, some tell you that it was your fault and that you should have been more careful, and some tell you about their own experiences. They give you all sorts of advice, none you haven't heard before. You then go out to find a new wallet, only to realize that you don't really want a new one. You want the old one that you lost. No, you don't want all these better-looking wallets, you want yours, because of how comfortable it is, because of all the cards and pictures and other stuff in it. You go out and carry on without a wallet, keeping your money in your pocket instead. You throw away stuff that you would have held on to if you had your old wallet. And then, finally, you find a new wallet you like and settle in. You then start filling your new wallet, little by little. It still doesn't feel as comfortable as the old one, but it's getting there. Then you start putting in cards and pictures and other important stuff in the wallet. Soon enough, there's as much stuff in your new wallet as the old one. And then, after some time, you feel as comfortable with your new wallet. And then you realize that you've almost forgotten you ever had your old wallet. Sure, you still remember most of the stuff you lost on that wallet. But then again, you don't remember the feeling of hurt that you felt when you lost it. That's because that wallet you lost is no longer your wallet. You're no longer holding on. This new wallet you're holding, it has all the important cards and pictures and stuff that you need. This is your wallet. And this time, you tell yourself, you're never losing this one.

Hardest decision...

• Happy 2009!
• it's my first blog ever after a couple of months...
• the start of the year is quiet right
• i ended up 2008 with the blast... quality time with my family, beach, shopping... though i had no chance to see my old friends...
• a 5-day break from the hospital duty gave me enough time to settle things around
• my first day to be back in the hospital was last January 2 at Ortho department
• it's different coz i am now working with all boys... im with Dr. Barzaga/Austria/Cantiller on my first day but due to sliding of sched my duty residents are Dr.Barzaga/ Bervano/De Guia/Santos
• nothings' new because i am always toxic... sorry to my partner Joie.. haha and my intern Bloi
• anyway, I am really enjoying my minor rotation... done with ENT and Psychiatry and last will be Optha
• Oh god... it's getting nearer for vacation... I only have 2 more months but there are more to settle and finalize
• I think the hardest question for me now is: STAY OR LEAVE???
• and the next thing is... HERE OR THERE???
• i don't have any plans for internship due to some complicated decisions and plans of leaving... its really hard...
• i don't even know where do I really want to be after 2 months
• i feel that i am almost running out of time... due date of last matching for internship is on January 19... i'm dead
• i'll be leaving on the 15th and wont be back on 19... shet... i don't really know what to do...
• one thing more... graduation is moved on april 13... and i have scheduled appointments coming up which mean i have upcoming absents to make up...
• oh well... life is life... i have to take everything easy... decide wisely and do what i want...
• the best thing i can do is to follow what my heart says... haha! AS IF...
• i'm out...
• *confused*

*hurt*

I can't stop my tears from falling...



I can't stop my tears from falling...




I can't stop my tears from falling...

I can't stop my tears from falling... I can't stop my tears from falling... I can't stop my tears from falling...

*blinded*

I always love to experience new things, meet new faces and explore the world around me. I am turning 24 in a few weeks and these past few days I realized so much things that I should be dealing right now. Things are not be like an old child moments that I can get whatever I want without any effort. I am a brat Daddy's girl and I always want things to be on my way. I always see myself having the best and to be happy... But I was wrong for not dealing with more important things and just leave them behind. I am so blinded with so much things... Is this because I am scared to look back and face my fears? Or still I am hurt and I don't want to accept that not all things are for me? Maybe, I know the answers to my own questions but I am just weak to take the first step so I can move on. My life being in a medical profession is not that easy. This is my choice and I don't have anything to do right now but to deal with it because I am almost there. I am striving so hard, give up so many things and face the reality that I will be a doctor and my priority is to be the best I can be for the people. Am I happy? I love my work, my colleagues and my patients... but I am not complete. I almost forgot that I still have a life to live other than my profession. I've lost a love because of this... It's been a year but yet I am not clear with it. I am scared to know the truth. I was fooled by the so called true love. I wish I really had the right decision on this. I trusted him so much but despite all the tear and pain... I still love him... love that I am waiting to fade so that my life will be back to normal. I still think of the good moments but things are never the same. Maybe I am just missing to be with someone... I missed having someone to take care of, loved and pampered. I never tried to open a door for some reasons. I am not ready and I am not over. And now, that was my biggest mistake. I made things harder. I let my heart ruled my life. I waited and gave a chance... but its not worth anymore. I want a new life, seriously! I think I found the one but I can't find any love. I will be hurt again so I better stop. I am now trying to see the good things ahead of me. I don't want to deal with people who don't believe in "commitment". I hate someone who doesn't say what he feels but makes you feel important. I don't feel like waiting for nothing... I still believe I deserve the best and with the things happening right now, I know I am still blessed. I may not have the right love now but I have a loving family and friends who appreciate and always believe in me. It's time to take off the blind fold. I need to see the right path... I am at end of the recovery stage... I am still confused but I believe I can do this. God is always good... I know my Dad is happy right now... we found justice. My life will be easier... I missed you Dad and thanks for always guiding me. My promise will always be a promise... I will be doctor and I will find a good partner like you... I had a dream last night and it's all about my birthday, i cried because you were there... I know it's near but I'd rather be quiet now. I already started to do more worth things for my special day. I always love surprises... and I am hoping for better days ahead... *abzvalenzuela,M.D.*

• I haven't check my blog for almost 2 weeks...
• I really wanna update new pics and happenings here but I am too lazy to do it...
• I am done with OB and I did enjoy the 2 months... tiring and toxic but I had fun dealing with pregnant women, OB consultants and my residents of course
• I will miss my duty residents: Dr. Clemente/ Sidamon/ Alegre/ Guyala/ Pacheco/ Angeles
• Thanks to Dr.Ferrolino/Opulencia/Crisostomo for the preceptorials and case conference
• And of course to my best partners: Jan and Ken
• Now I am starting the benign Community Medicine
• My immersion, meaning I have to leave Dasma and stay every week with my foster parent at Amadeo, will start on Monday
• I am sad to leave but I have to... haha... seriously... this is hard for me...
• It's my birthday month... sad I will celebrate it in the community... none of everything... probably this will be the sadest birthday for me... no surprise, no party, no birthday cake, no family and friends... and I am SINGLE... haha! another year for me... goodluck!
• What else? hmmmm.... I have a lot of time for myself now since I have a benign rotation until November... I don't like it coz I hate thinking of same things... but I can't do anything about it...
• I don't want people forcing me to do something that I don't really want... I forgive and literally forget... so please don't ruin my day mentioning stupid names in my life... seriously!
• Another thing... I am tired of being so nice and yet I don't get anything but pain... why are there people who don't know how to appreciate little things? I hate it coz it's always like that... other people who's not helping mean more than me...
• Well, I need to think of that and on everything this week... I wish when I get back, things are clearer...
• Thanks for the good things though that is happening...
• I am looking forward for more blessing and good thoughts...
• Anyway, I saw Mirrors... haha! It won't be scary without Drew trying to scared me and Morie... shet, I remember the good dinner at Brothers Burger but too bad I had GERD attacked so I threw up everything... but coffee, pancake and french toast with omelette made my stomach a lot better...
• Thanks shmagsh for the free boarding... hehe! Till next time...
• I'll see you all when I get back
• I'm out

Happy Birthday DREW!

• What: Drew's 27th surprise Birthday Party!

• When: September 18, 2008; 6-8pm

• Where: McDonald's SM Dasmarinas, Cavite, PI

• Attire: Black... VIP only!

*a success of my birthday surprise*

*dream come true of my besprend* *b-day boy with kiddie Mcdo, Hamburglar, Filams and close friends in Med school* *waiting for his official birthday at Starbucks Tagaytay* *Happy 27th Birthday Shmagsh*

Simple thoughts in my mind...

• life is sometimes not really fair...
• it's not funny how things are going sometimes
• i learned that a true friend does not ask... he/she feels when you need him/her
• some cares only when they want to *nyek*
• i hate those who does not know how to appreciate little stuff
• no wasting of time for me... i need to be true and say what i feel
• i am missing someone right now... hmmm, it's gotta be true...
• why would i go to someone who's not worth?
• looking for a good break... not sick leave
• i hate "users"... and most of all and always the *pathetic* you know...
• x-files this coming holiday + good food
• moving on is hard... it always need enough time, good friends and open doors
• new life... new love... new experience... why not?
• stay or leave after graduation?
• hay... so much questions but i'm tired to continue this blog...
• i'm sleepy... on OB-GYNE duty again tom...
• boo... boo... boo...

Sick again...

• being sick in clerkship is killing me...
• i have so much make up to do in the next few months
• i am advised to rest for a week or two
• that made me more scared... can i make it to our graduation? i hope so...
• thanks to my doctor.... Dr. See for all the free check ups
• i am bored here but i can't really do anything coz my medications made me sleep most of the time
• i am so sorry to my partners ken and janboy... i will make up for you guys... don't be so toxic in our next duties
• thanks to my very generous residents, Dr. Clemente, Dr.Sidamon and Dr.Navor for allowing me to rest
• i am praying that i will be better soon so that i can go back to hospital already
• i am missing my work, my friends and my colleageaus
• i am not ok
• but i hope tomorrow i will feel better
• *sad*

I am home... finally... Thanks everyone...

• it's good to be home again after my 3 days of hospitalization
• I am thankful things went good
• after being sick for almost a week... I was confined at 3410 under internal medicine, Dr. SEE...
• well my very first time and unforgettable moments that I won't really forget
• Pedia rotation made me sick... haha!
• thanks to my partner Aaron for surviving single duty... I am sorry for not being there with you... I hope that will be our last mortality duty... *kudos*
• my heroes Reg and Mara + Jobz... found me DOB at the callroom... thanks for bringing me at the emergency room... yags... next time check your fone... haha!
• to those who accompanied me... Dr. Rubio, interns and my co-junior interns... job well done at the ER but you were all surprised when I was admitted with admitting impression... URTI, viral! haha! special mention to Dr. Sudirga, sister, my residents, Dr. Tusing and Dr.Llaneta... thanks for the big discount...
• to Dr. Harim Santos for forcing me to be admitted... I won't be ok without you...
• to all the staff nurse of ER and 3400... thanks for the good service
• my beloved batchmates... I was really touch for spending your time and hanging out with me despite your toxic duties... I don't wanna mention names coz I might forget one... but thanks everyone... *i love you guys*
• special mention to Ky, Ayks, Annie and my dearest Erik... thanks for visiting me!
• my Surgery residents... Dr. Noriega, Dr. Magno, Dr. Sibayan and Dr. Narceda... thanks for the love and concern... and for including me in your rounds
• to my ROTAbears... I am really expecting you guys to be there... plus Juju... thanks thanks
• my pedia groupmates... thanks for doing my job while I am not around...
• to my Pedia residents: thanks for the excuse absents...
• Paul and Tanjol for monitoring me... haha! and Celes for my medical history...
• Drew: thanks thanks.... yiiiiiiiiiiiii........ thanks for the foods from breakfast to dinner and for always dropping by coz you love my suite room... haha! don't you worry biebie is ok na... no more arts... haha! we can hang out again... seriously I do appreciate the times you're leaving your post to check on me...
• Tal: thanks for bringing all my stuff in my room... give me few days to recover and we will hang out
• to my yaya jeng for being with me wherever I go... thanks so much
• to my attending physician Dr. See for the very cute and caring service... thanks SIR!
• thanks also to my family and relatives for their patience and loving care to me... to my little angels and my sisters especially Mom for showing their love all through out
• just few more days and I will be back to my normal routine... still need to finish pedia exam on September but tomorrow is a new day for OB
• thanks again everyone for helping me recover that quick....
• now I see and believe the advantage of being in the medical field
• I was treated by my colleageus more than what I am expecting them...
• endless thanks to you guys... *hugs*
• I am back... go go to the next level...
• 8 more months to go...

Positive thoughts...

• everyday is a new day to me not to mention the work loads that I am doing in the hospital... pre-duty-post... but with the things I am encountering and the people around me particularly my patients
• I can't remember the last time I have to sit down, feel depressed and think of my problem... I guess this is the only time I never had a real dilemma... hahaha! take note... for so long... haha!
• maybe because my focus is not with myself now but with what I am doing
• things are going so fast... in a few days I am done with my 2nd rotation... Surgery --- Pedia --- and now I am going to OB --- yeah!
• after the long run of being so tired, sick and sad... I am moving on to the real life
• I hate being mad... I hate arguments... I just want simple... not so complicated situations...
• I missed my family but I am glad things are going good
• I just really wish I will be given even a one day good break to spend quality time with my loved ones... *drama*
• I love TAL... my favorite girl... we will be hanging out soon... and we will find the one we are looking for... *mwah*
• SHMAGSH... no "away" for so long... i love it... thanks thanks... 8 months to go... don't be sad... haha! "the closer I get to you"... what about the song? yiiiiiiiiiiiiii....... wawawang!
• I had a one good dinner with my *crush*.... haha! He is really such a nice guy but sad to say he is taken... well not my real type... but it's not easy to find someone who is soft spoken, but has a good sense of humor, intelligent and super very nice... and take note he is a doctor... ahem!
• I'll be leaving pediatrics in 3 days, I didn't like it that much but surely I will miss it
• 4 months in the hospital made me realize so much things... the trust, respect and love that I had from my patients and their families are the most important things that I will always remember despite the sleepless nights, papers and toxic residents and consultants everyday
• I would also like to mention my dearest groupmates: mara, aaron, guia, sheena and robert for being with me through whatever circumstances I am going everyday... from our first day in NICU until the last days in the wards... you are the best guys... I will not survive without your toxic talks, corny jokes, food trips and most of all "turon"
• thanks thanks thanks... I am completely happy and now just trying to wait for something/someone to fill an empty space that I know will come in time...
• godbless everyone
• I'm out! OSCE time...

I am back...

• It's funny how things are going right now
• I don't have any other life but dealing with the sick patients
• I missed so much events and occasions
• I am done with Surgery and now I am striving so hard to finish my Pediatrics rotation
• I am still lucky to have very supportive co-duty residents and clerks
• But I am still wondering why there are bitter things going around... haha! Maybe intrigues are really part of our life... just to make it more challenging i guess...
• Thanks to my good friends who always pull me to watch movies whenever there are time
• I am so lost... I don't have any social life at all... well it's pretty tiring to go out party and gimik
• Clean living for so long... I don't know why now... I am single but I don't party... I don't drink and most of all I don't yosi... haha! Pathetic... haha!
• Where and when will I be the "ME" that I want? hmmmmmm...
• I am back... and now HE IS BACK...
• What will be the next step?
• Do you believe in the saying... "Love is sweeter the second time around?"
• Slowly and surely I am thinking about this
• I wouldn't get the love that I want on someone I don't have any feelings at all nor I am not attracted
• Well... I am happy I had a chance to think of this
• It only means my heart is still beating... haha!
• Let's wait and see...
• *cross finger* i hope it's a good one
• *wink*

*Listen by Beyonce*

I found a new song that really fits me... after the "Hate that I love you"... here comes a song which tells what I've been through and what I am right now... so just listen.... I love it!

• Listen to the song here in my heart
• a melody I start but can't complete
• Listen to the sound from deep within
• Its only beginning to find release
• Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
• They will not be pushed aside and turned
• Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen
• [chorus]
• Listen
• I am alone at a crossroads
• I'm not at home in my own home
• And I've tried and tried
• To say whats on my mind
• You should have known
• Now I'm done believing you
• You don't know what I'm feeling
• I'm more than what
• You've made of me
• I followed the voice, you gave to me
• But now I've gotta find my own
• You should have listened
• There was someone here inside
• Someone I thought had died
• So long ago
• Oh I'm screaming out
• And my dreams will be heard
• They will not be pushed Aside or turned
• Into your own
• All 'cause you won't listen
• [chorus]
• Listen
• I am alone at a crossroads
• I'm not at home in my own home
• And I've tried and tried
• To say whats on my mind
• You should have known
• Now I'm done believing you
• You don't know what I'm feeling
• I'm more than what
• You've made of me
• I followed the voice, you gave to me
• But now I've gotta find my own
• You should have listened
• I don't know where I belong
• But I'll be moving on
• If you don't, if you won't
• Listen to the song here in my heart
• A melody I start, but I will complete
• Now I am done believing you
• You don't know not what I am feeling
• I'm more than what you've made of me
• I followed the voice you think you gave to me
• But now I got to find my own - my own

MY NEW LIFE...

• I'm done with one rotation... 2 months had passed... I missed Surgery, the people I worked with, the operations... I missed hanging at the callroom having the morning "chichi" with med clerks
• it's June already, now I am in Pediatrics specifically on Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU)... dealing with the "tiyanaks" is quiet toxic but fun
• I am shock on my new work with the neonates but in a way I am starting to adjust myself... next 20 days at ER Pedia then Wards... I am lucky my duty residents are nice... thanks Dr. De Castro and Dr. Tirto
• I am so much in-love staying in the hospital and being with the patients... haha!
• daily routine of going on duty... PRE---DUTY--POST = 34 hours of no sleep
• I missed my home... I missed my bed... I'm happy mom is going home soon...
• I am not quitting anymore... this is where I really belong... 10 more months and I am almost there
• I am happy in such a way that my life is not complicated anymore
• I have a number of true and trusted friends around... thanks!
• being in the medical field is not easy... you just have to love what you're doing... patience and hardwork = successful doctor
• I really admire the doctors nowadays coz I am experiencing what they've been through
• I don't have any other life aside from the hospital
• I haven't go out since April... WOW... I wish I can find time to go out, chill, clubbing, beach... oh well... this will happen on April 2009
• I am no more a cry baby... I am tough... haha! I wish... I dunno... I am happy for a reason I cant explain
• no more heartaches, bitterness, loneliness.... I walked away on the past... I am ready for a new one... finally!
• now I am living a simple happy life
• I JUST LOVED BEING LOVE...

• 

*busy me at clerks callroom*

*gulo*

• I wasted so much time this past few days dealing with something not really worth to think
• Now I am laughing about it... I don't wanna talk about something that I know I can't get anything but lie...
• Thanks for this issue... it's proven who my true friends are... thanks for talking to me and telling me the right thing...
• confused... he's coming home soon...
• I am happy with my groupmates now... but I missed jangirl though... I'm happy for you...
• Surgery is almost over... I will miss everything... goodbye to all the intrigues... haha!
• I had chance to see my relatives at my Dad's day... *such a wonderful feeling*
• I missed mom... go home or not??? I am still waiting and still praying that things will be ok
• Thanks to my dearest ehm...
• I love ciara... you know why... let's go out... *starfish*
• When will they stop talking about me??? they will be tired i guess... haha!
• I pity this girl for being so excited... No wonder... Missed sent.... hahha! *i love my girlfriends*... i love this chikka... loud speaker... + the orocan girl...
• Smago.... hello! 10 more months to be together... haha! mel and z are not here... better change ur mind... yihiiiiiiiii.....
• hay... i missed a lot of people... allen, ate kay, tal, morie etc...
• give me some time to think clearer and right...
• should I go for this or do what is better right now?
• let me see where will I be in the next few days left...
• *gulo*

Motto for today: this is for you and to your friends... *gotcha* "EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL EXCEPT IN THE EYES OF THE INSECURE BITCHES"

C.O.N.F.U.S.E.D.

• i wish i am numb... no reaction... no comment... insensitive...
• BUT
• i am not... i am not... i am not... TOO BAD!
• life is really a challenge to me... here's the complications, trials, ups and downs, mistakes, regrets, learnings... what else? i should be a better person now
• hospital is my new home... patients are my new friends
• i badly missed my mom
• i am near quitting in this clerkship thing... but then i talked to mom and she was excited for me to finish in april 2009... a proud mom to have a daughter who's a doctor... and now i am thinking again... i love her so much...
• i need to accept that my life is like this... actually just a start of being toxic, no social life and stock forever in the hospital... what more in the next succeeding years?
• but the dilemmas not only regarding med school
• i only have a year... will i take my internship here or go abroad and grab the opportunity??? well, i'll think about it later i guess
• complications... hmmm... am i doing the right thing now? what's with the friend? friends?
• i dunno... how would i know who and what's true?
• i am just going with the flow... i am doing stuff which actually i am conscious but i am not thinking about it
• i am being selfish now... it's always "bahala na"... oh well
• i missed someone... i just talked to him and i was surprised... i dunno again... tell me???
• what will i do? choose something that is here or not?
• i don't really know what i want now...
• i am pushing myself on the path that i am not sure where will i be in the end
• people really change... i want fair in all aspect
• i dunno who's my true friends... no one knows how to appreciate little things
• should i go and look back on my past? hmmmmmm...
• i want to be a housewife not a doctor anyway
• but i need to be good
• focus and move on...
• i should stop this game i guess so that i'll get what i want
• i wish someone will make my mind clearer and changes everything
• i wish it's HIM... him???
• now, all my decisions will depend on whatever gonna happen
• i don't have a problem... i am just confused
• but at least i have all the options i can have
• just a quick and smart decision i guess
• soon... things will be ok
• enough of this stupid lies
• tell me what you want and things will be alright
• no more wasting of time
• actually i am hurt... there's someone who usually a burden to me... i should not care that much anyway... i will try and we'll see...
• no one is true enough to tell everything... what they feel, think and what they want
• it's always a mystery... a surprise... complicated things...
• i'll just wait on the thing that is really for me
• i want to be quiet... i need time to think... i want space...
• i know you will realize things when i'm not around anymore
• i hope its not too late on everything
• *sigh*

Another goodbye...

I hate to say goodbye... Yesterday, after my operation assist, I heard that one of my resident is leaving. It's Dr. Bong Flores whom I worked for only 15 days in Surgery. He is one of the good doctor with a big heart. He is quiet but you'll learn a lot from him. I saw how he cares and treats his patients sincerely in just a few days. How I wish every doctor is like him. The next junior interns already missed the chance of working with him. I am really sad to say goodbye to Sir Bong. You deserve more than our surprise pizza party tonight. I am wishing you all the best and good health. And I am looking forward to see and work with you soon again. The whole Surgery Department LOVES you. My sincerest thanks and respect to you Dr. FLORES... My dearest friends are leaving soon... MEL: I will miss you my dear tiyanaks... who else can make me laugh like you??? big HUG to you and goodluck on whatever steps you're going to take when you get back to Florida. Z: my dearest girlfriend... *tears* We've shared so much during my third year days... crying times, heartaches, gimiks, chillin', shopping, movie, coffee... Cheers to all the good days with you. You made me realize a lot of things. You are such a wonderful friend that's why you deserve all the best. I will miss you Z and I hope you'll get what you deserve. I am just around... you know where to find me just in case. Thank you so much... much love from me... Who's next??? I've been losing them one by one... I missed my family... I missed the kids... but I don't know if I missed the people who always breaks my heart. I am selfish right now and just thinking of the people who are worth to have all my love and care. Bitterness is the key on moving on... Last goodbye for today... goodbye to the old feelings and whatever relationship I had. I am glad I made it for a few days... I hope things will be better and better... I need to feel my worth and just focus on the brighter sides. Thank you to all who's been good to me. It is really overwhelming that my patients appreciate the little things I can do for them. I can't imagine that I can saved lives everyday... Blessings are just coming on my way. I am starting to see and get what I deserve. Thanks for making my day and bringing all the smiles that I never had for the longest time. *I will be happy...*

*moment of silence * after 28 days...

28 days of hospital work. 28 days of challenges and realization. At this moment, several things are playing on my mind. Part of it is all about me, the other side of my life not being a doctor. But before that, I need to love what I am doing. I am destined to be here so despite of all the sleepless nights and hardworks... I need to be tough. It's time to forget about my personal interests... my dream of becoming a housewife will never be true for now... forget it and focus on my patients. They need me more than anyone else... I am living my life on the same daily routine... boring but like what I said, I choose to have a toxic med life so deal with this. I missed my family, i missed my friends. I am lost now but still finding my self and accepting that my life is here and I can't be there... I can't be where I want to be right now. I am confused... I am hurting... too bad coz the people so dear to me made me feel worst. Now, I don't know what I have and who I have. I lose most of them and now I am dealing with new things and new people. I should have listen to a good friend. Don't be too good coz some people will take advantage of you. It hurts knowing someone do not know how to appreciate the things you are doing for them. They will only remember you in time they need you. What's worst is that they are treating you as if you don't have any feelings. So much blaming, judging and lies that made the situation worst. I would like to hold on to my words now. No more crying times... I need to be tough this time... no more coming back on the old feelings. I wish i did not ignore the people who loves me. I am losing all my faith... I need more time to think... I wish I am too insensitive that I won't be affected anymore. I want someone who will just appreciate and love me.... I deserve it... I am wrong for loving so much... wrong time, wrong person. I never had a true and perfect love ever since. All I had ended so bad... I am tired right now but these things must be said... I am sick and I need to rest. I wish things will be better when I wake up tomorrow morning... Just give me only few days and I will be more than okay. I must forget you and also you... I've waste another time.... so I need to rush... I'm out!

Emergency Surgery... first rotation...

Hello! After a month of not doing a blog... here I am again... Busy days since April 1st. I am lucky to have a good schedule and same with good groupmates. Surgery is my first rotation as a junior intern in De La Salle University Medical Center. At first, everything was new to me. I don't have any idea of what to do first. I am living with new people, new experiences, new situations... I am such a stranger when I first entered at the emergency room. I am scared of the consultants and residents at first. My status on my first day was post duty... It was really tiring that I wasn't able to fix myself and had my meals and then I really passed out when I went home. But today is my 13th day in ER surgery... It feels like I've been here for so long. I am familiar with things. I learned a lot.... it is such a good experience working with my colleagues. The hospital is my new home...

• monitoring in Medical Intensive Care Unit and Recovery Room
• hands on
• doing circumcision
• chest tube thoracotomy
• excision of mass
• wound debridement
• suturing
• diagnosing patients
• encountering different cases
• vehicular accidents
• head trauma/fall
• gunshot wounds
• hacking
• abdominal pains: appendicitis, cholecystitis, choledocolithias, ureterolithiasis
• hernia
• mauling
• 
• a lot more that I can't remember... I've seen a lot of dead on arrival patients. C
• code blue... we lost so much lives... and the worst is seeing unfortunate people.... accidents... financially not stable and can't even afford to get the best treatment they need
• being strong and calm are important especially being in the trauma team at ER
• i am proud to be one now... no more panicking... i am use to work and see bloody people, unconscious.... crying scenario... this is my job... i need to deal with it...

I am proud to be a soon La Sallian Doctor. Thanks to the following...

• Dr. Noriega: our dearest surgery clerk consultant... thanks for giving us the power to do our job and encouraging each and everyone to become a real doctor... i am looking forward to more duty days with you in wards... i will post our mini pictorial soon...
• Dr. Sabz Magno: my first mentor.... i super thank you for all the lectures and hands on in surgery. You made my first clerk's day a memorable one. Thanks for being a "nanay"... I will surely miss the times that we are laughing and working together despite all the lack of sleep everyday. You inspired me of being a strong woman... haha! Let's order mcdo... canteen tayo... no morph time doc sabs... haha!
• Dr. Regala: hmmmmmmmmm... my everdearest crush... haha! thanks thanks.... no more toxic days... you really hate people who cry... haha!
• To my interns and other residents: Dr. Bicol, Dr. Regullano, Dr. Canones, Dr. Norlan, Maam Z, Maam Fritzi etc: thanks thanks...
• And to the whole surgery staff and ER stuff... more working days with all of you...
• Lastly, I will not survive my med toxic life without my dearest groupmates... Robert, Joie and Jan... and the whole surgery group: Mara, Coy, Abe, Mabs, Ciara, Luisa, Julius, Aaron, Ken, Jan, Terms, Min thoo, Charles, Yags, Sheena and Fatz...
• Thanks to my dearest friends... my sleeping buddies... food trip buddies and smago...

TRAUMA Team of De La Salle Medical Center *Emergency Surgery*

This will be the last...

One last cry... one last chance to say that I must really stop. I have a life to live like no one is controlling me. I was hurt a couple of times but I was able to find another happiness. I am free until I found the love that really changed me. It was a big risk but I did not have any regret on it. I didn't have him for the longest time but I had the best time when I was with him. No words, no tears... it was all love and happiness with him despite the distance and sacrifices. Who would have thought that things will not be ok? I am in my deepest pain right now. I beg... I tried to fight... I cried so hard... but the end was really for us. My heart wanted to stop from beating. It was all tears by myself. I wish also have somebody... but I guess I have more than somebody. I have my family and my friends. I am tough but it doesn't mean anyone can hurt me like this. I learned a lot with all my mistakes. I need some time to breath and forget. I don't want to think of it anymore. Acceptance before moving on... time calls for me to do that. I have so much in mind... I am hurt... but I should not forget the people who are still there for me... who loves me and I know will never leave me. Thank you.... you know who you are... you saved me from totally falling... you cried with me... you're giving me more reason to live...

Thanks for the wake up call: "wake up and walk away, there is so many more things to look ahead to..."

• this blog is my life...
• it's funny how you find things changed easily
• you just said something then after a few blinks... there's a new one to tell
• I want this to be my very last blog about something that i cant really let go
• I hate goodbyes... but it's time to say so... i should be over with you... *tears*

Sudden thoughts...

I am inside my room, doing nothing for a couple of days. I feel sick... I am bored. I don't have anything to do but to think of things I almost forgot during the toxicity of med school. I had so much time for realization. Time to settle things I left behind. I need to be thankful for passing 3rd year med... I am an official clerk now... The start of my "real" medical career is here in front of me. I am not ready... But I should be happy coz I've waited for this thing. After this one last year... I can pursue all my future plans. But things are slowly changing... I just woke up one day and everything changed. I lost someone... I've focused on something for myself and almost forgot someone who inspired me to do and continue my profession. I am so lost right now... I know what I want... but I don't know if it is still for me. I need to fight... I am so weak right now but I am still fighting until I can. I hate to say goodbye... I don't really want to. I wish I can still have the best in you. I don't really need time... I had wasted so much... I need to make up on everything. Now, I realized that life should be everything. You need to deal on all aspects and not only choose one. It is a matter of giving time for every little thing you have. I need more strength to fight for the things that are worth to fight. I am alone and far from my family... I need them now. I have so many good friends who always save me... thank you! I learned and I don't have any regrets at all... I know when to stop... I am still fighting... But I know I will be tired and eventually try a different path where I can bring back the smile, love and happiness in me... maybe tomorrow... maybe soon.... I don't know when... but I know I will....

*he is worth to LOVE... me loves you*

Good news!

• There is always a brighter side after all the challenges in life.
• I had a tough week... i cried a lot. Too much pain... but it slowly fading now...
• I survived the test of friendship... now I proved that no one can really ruin us.
• Thanks for the good friends I have.
• Mabs: you saved me... you almost cried with me. You are there beside me whenever I wake up in the morning till i close my eyes... thanks for driving for me... i love you girl.
• Aryan: i know you're gonna fight for me... i am secured when i'm with you... haha!
• Drew: we made it to clerkship, enjoy your vacation in Toronto...
• Annie and ayks: thanks for the "sleep over", bonding, peter answer... love you girls
• George: i don't know what to say... thanks a lot... i super missed you... -26-
• I am an official CLERK... all the hardships paid off...
• JUNIOR INTERN... April 1, 2008... soon to be M.D.

IS THERE SOMETHING by Christopher Cross

Lately I see clouds of sorrow in your eyes
Some deep sadness you can never quite disguise
Now I'm scared to ask what it's leading to
But I'm more afraid of not asking you


Is there something that you want to tell me
Is there something that I ought to know
Are we something that's still worth fighting for
Or should I simply let you go
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
I'll find some way to convince you to stay
If you just tell me honestly
Is there something left of you and me


You've got secrets you've been keeping for too long
And I'm going crazy acting like there's nothing wrong
I can taste the truth every time we kiss
And I can't go on
At least not like this


I don't want to lose you
But what's the use of holding on
I don't really have you
If the feeling's gone


Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
If there's no way to convince you to stay
And be the way we used to be
Then there's something that I want to tell you
And I want you to believe it's true
We had something that I'll never forget
Even if I wanted to

'Cause part of me will always be with you

bad bad bad... too bad...

always a nightmare....

every night is a bad day... i want to rest... i want peace... tonight is the worst day... i don't want to wait... no more expectation... i won't be affected... i will choose to be what i am now... too much time wasted... nothing is going to happen... no one deserves a trust... i need some respect... and a lot of privacy... i should be insensitve...

*i know you're reading this (always) ... be happy on what you have now... i gave you what you... want... what else do you want to do??? i am so tired of this... happy??? hope you are...*

Late updates...

*i am a big fan! Atty. Fortun at Starbucks Madrigal*

*gimik group at 3rd year room*

*girls of Med 2009*

*boys of Med 2009*

*Ortho skills lab with Dr. Austria*

*with my sis joyz... haven't seen her for the longest time*

*i'm going to miss this little girl iana*

*last pic before mom's departure*

*cute baby tiara forcing me to do the korean pose*

*i love you mamu*

One down... how many more to go... *wink*

• finally, the 3-weeks long examination was over
• it feels kinda new coz i am not reading anything anymore
• need to finish physical examinations and requirements for the next school year
• its hard to say the word "clerkship"... hahaha
• few more days and deliberation for removals will be out
• i am hoping for a good result
• mabs.drew.kaycee.abu. YOU"RE THE BEST GUYS... thanks for the inspiration... nyek!
• be leaving the dorm soon... sad but its going to be better i guess
• goodbye dramas... im gonna miss everyone
• thanks for my clerk friends z and mel... plus kaycee and randy... anne, aryan, belle and joffie...
• first year girls: ayks.ky.annie.atha.kit.bianca(no more absent)... just a text a way... never too late for everything girls... and also to my one and only barbs... miss na kita
• ate emma and ate shirley... plus the guards in nicasia... we're gonna see each other pa din
• my beloved friends in erja and nicasia peepz.... wala lang
• ROTA... you know where i am
• smegy, you will miss me... I KNOW IT... haha
• a new life again to me...
• mom will be leaving tom night... sad
• need to have a good short vacation... last vacation ever...
• plan... plan... plan...
• there's more to come guys...

VALENTINE'S DAY.... loveLOVElove...

• just an ordinary day... still my exam day
• so much text greetings but the most memorable was the text from my niece and nephew... sweet plus mom and sis
• thanks mabs
• one long stem red rose from my neighbor albert.... thanks... you made my vday complete
• went to alabang with the valdez' sisters
• good dinner at tempura... so much food girls... i love them... and i love you
• calls from geomar... thanks thanks... xoxo
• study mode at bux... nerdy nerdy...
• last greetings at my door... thank you for that
• im still up... always up.... waiting for good things to happen
• its my sisters birthday now.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ATE KAYE
• back to study....
• BABOOOOOOOOOO....

Hearts Day! I want LOVE and PEACE...

• it's 5 am now...
• should be a different day.... it's St. Valentine day today
• RED is the color... LOVE and HAPPINESS
• but this contradict my day... SAD
• i got the worst feeling ever... RED feeling... i exploded
• insensitive people around me
• where are you when I needed you most??? TAL, you saved me again... iloveyou
• how will I start?
• I am so tired... almost 2 weeks of no sleep.... no good meal... no rest... I NEED A BREAK
• this is just the start of the say.... i should be resting now but I can't....
• surgery exam is long....
• don't want to get upset with the academic matter esp exemption....
• ONE (1) means a lot... f*ck
• I wish I will have a good day ahead
• NO DATE... of course... where are you???
• NO SURPRISE??? don't expect... i wish i have one...
• I'll be studying again tonight...
• We'll see what will happen...
• I am so LOST...
• OUT

Home Sweet Home

• one week of my one long month of exam is over
• still have 2 more weeks of being toxic studying
• thursday night: after the surgery exam... got a good dinner with tal and joe... ice cream with hershey's syrup... hmmmmmmm...
• american idol audition is done
• got to clean my room and be ready to go home
• but mom wasn't able to pick me... so i had bonding with the girls... dianne and tal (again... loveyah)
• sweet and funny moments help me to feel better
• before lunch today: me and mom had a date
• we watched bucket list... it was pretty good
• i am so inspired with the story... now im thinking what to put on my bucket list??? maybe my next blog
• i haven't got a good sleep and a good rest
• but staying here in now in our house is the best
• i am away from home for so long... missed this a lot
• so good to be away for so many things that always makes me upset and disappointed
• i feel better and i don't wanna think of school today
• i wish i can stay here and never go back in my dorm anymore... though im gonna miss some of my beloved friends there
• i will miss mom.. she'll be leaving in less than 2 weeks...
• can't wait for tomorrow and the rest of the weekends for so me other plans
• i don't wanna cry... if you will just hurt me... please stay away...
• i wish everyone knows how to appreciate little things around them... focusing on the positive sides and not the wrong ones
• i don't wanna be around people who would step on me and let me feel im always wrong
• thanks george
• thanks tal and mobz... your the best girls ever... thanks for always there even though i don't wanna tell the reasons of all the tears (secret... told you i am bored... haha!), talking and being with you guys are much appreciated... you think and feel the same way as i do... that's why we're all bears... lovable bears
• advance happy birtday to my sis kaye and tal
• hearts day is near... hmmmmmmmmmm....
• few more weeks and everything is over
• i am now fixing things around me little by little
• the moving on and stepping back are not working
• things should be settle now...
• let's see...

So much depression...

• things are moving so fast...
• now i am feeling so sad for so many reasons
• where's my friend who seems to be here?
• thanks to morie and tal for just being there, not listening nor asking... but you always make me feel better guys... i had fun last night with you girls
• this time, mixed feelings exploded
• i don't want to regret things i did
• i don't like some things, people around me
• I DON'T WANT TO EXPECT ANYMORE
• being ignored and not even appreciated are the most painful things
• unfair relationship with friends.... no comment
• i thought, i made the right decision... i thought i will be happy here
• i wish i have the old feeling... feeling of being loved, prioritized and cared by someone who's not saying any word but just doing things
• friends or best friend???
• thanks for inspiring me to step back
• it's hard to give advice to someone knowing i am on the same situation and i can't deal with exactly the same problem
• i wish i can say this thing to someone worth to trust
• i go beyond the limit... and that is why i am treated this way...
• i feel so sorry for myself
• i love him but i don't love him
• i can't talk to him.. he won't listen... everything i say is no big deal and just a problem
• when will you admit to yourself that you feel the same way???
• where should i start? or should i even bring this stuff...
• i am so tired of crying... dealing with all dilemmas
• so people out there whose assuming they know me... the hell with you...
• stop playing games
• don't talk behind my back
• happy now???
• you made me stronger...
• wait till i am ready to face and reveal things...
• i DON'T need you (*tears falling*)
• i'm OUT!

Saturday at The Fort

.i love kebabs at ziggurat.

.lounge at club ascend. .ciara.z.abz.drew.pao.

.house music: saturday night @ ascend.

.what are these??? BAD.

.krispy kreme with the girls.

.honey beers.

Friday at Metrowalk

• after the last toxic preceptorials in Medicine which Dr. Tirona let us wait for more than 2 hours... finally it's done...
• i had plan to go out with med friends to Fort but as usual so much backing out... it's ok, though i am tired of talking and talking and deciding... we ended up laughing and had a great dinner delivery at shakey's
• good thing, i am free and i can go out to see my high school friends
• it's kinda tiring from school... but i texted mae... i will go (yehey)
• no one knows i'm going... it will be a surprise (and it was)
• i went there with mae, her boyfriend jose which is my co-med student and jhaja
• destination: metrowalk then decades
• it was a nice place
• drink, chill, chikas... but the highlight of the night: jha's dare to do the bull ride
• i had fun... really
• i missed all of them... and i am looking forward for more
• i love you gurls... aka BONDS
• i really treasured the pic... finally... haha!

.BONDS. .my.abz.mae.kitch.jha.anna.

ROTA post christmas party...

• finally, the much awaited gift giving was over
• had dinner first at LZM... good food with ky
• we waited for dianne (as usual) to be back for complete attendance
• everyone was excited... what am i gonna get? who pick my name?
• these are the memorable pics at drew's place: the gift giving ceremony 2008

ROTA GIFT GIVING

.the awesome canadian bear keychain from our dearest t.bear.

.chocolate party fresh from toronto and cali c/o tal and drew.

.showing off our bags of candies and chocolates.

.the circle of sweets with mr.wong.

.funniest match: alex and morie literally exchanged their gifts.

.one, two, three... show your gifts.

.again again again... aaron wants his shirt to be taken.

.finally a good rota pic... thanks barbs... morie, yihiiiiii.

.aaron got his imported nike shirt (size: small) from tal.

.dianne's cologne and parker pen from aaron.

.me not showing what dianne gave me... she picked me again... haha... laugh trip. .she gave me a purple umbrella with hanky. .she didn't follow my wishlist... oh well its dianne. .but i like it... thanks girl.

.what an awesome gift drew, who gave that to you? haha. .the much awaited la salle jersey... you're an official basketball player of UAAP. .drew: THAT'S WICKED MAN.

.tal gossip girl book not available anywhere... haha... got her starbux mug from drew.

Stepping back or Moving on???

.girls night at Embassy The Fort. .ryan.joice.ciara.abz.mabs.anne.belle.kaycee.joffie.

• i should be happy
• unclear things are getting clearer
• no more misunderstandings
• got a lot of interest in studying
• i am inspired with so many people
• loving the girls and gimik group + clerks
• such a great time with everyone
• stepping back... now i know i can do it... no more complications
• i love mobz and tal
• i missed him... i mean YOU.... i missed you singing...
• i am so happy... dunno why...
• thanks for the blessings
• we will see each other soon...
• still looking forward for bora
• super smile... *sweet*

*just for G*

i love you "J"... you saved ME!!!

• i got a full meal the whole day
• need to start my diet for BORA... i wish
• national treasure is ok
• got a new top and skirt
• can't wait for the first party of the year
• 3 weeks of examination is getting nearer
• FINALS... remedials??? promotion??? clerkship???
• this day ended bad
• got a worst fight
• texted my friends... i want to drink.... never mind
• thank god "J" saved me
• now, i am ready to sleep and thinking how to start my day good
• i'm out